The Ghosts in My Head

I think I need to Tumblr Savior triggers for other than myself. I was scrolling down my dash, and I...

Wed, 08 Aug 2012 21:12:00 -0400

I think I need to Tumblr Savior triggers for other than myself.

I was scrolling down my dash, and I ran across a photoset that triggered a really, really nasty wave of nausea. But it wasn’t from me.

It wasn’t even really that graphic. But apparently it was the idea behind it that really hit him. Usually, Jones isn’t very effected by things. Or he’s really good at keeping it from me. I know he’s suffered from PTSD, and I get flashes of it sometimes. Not to mention he doesn’t really sleep. If ghosts/spirits what ever. If they can sleep.

I guess it comes in spells…

And it wasn’t tagged either, so I probably would have come across it anyway.

It was probably the unexpectedness that did it…

I haven’t updated here in a while. This is probably because I honestly can’t thumb down...

Thu, 05 Jul 2012 17:22:52 -0400

I haven’t updated here in a while.

This is probably because I honestly can’t thumb down a real purpose.

At first I had thought of sharing their memories that they’ve shared with me. But I don’t want to invade their privacy too much.

And since I’ve started this, and lost track, I’ve had too many of them to sift through to really post any off the top of my head. Not to mention, two more have started talking to me, so my head is practically an apartment complex.

It’s strange.

Cause and Effect

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 13:49:09 -0500

They effect me physically.

After channeling Jones for any extended period of time, and even sometimes at random, I get pain through the entirety of my left leg. He suffered a brutal war injury in that leg. Ended up being cause for his discharge.

Max causes pains, and even actual muscle knots in my right shoulder. He hasn’t said why. But his brother is known to ask how his shoulder is feeling.

Aquila causes me to lose sight in my right eye.

I don’t know how to keep it from happening, but it does. It’s not a good thing. Much as I love them, I have my own physical problems to deal with, and don’t need theirs to add to it.

The lack of vision thing is more of a nuisance really…

Guns

Sun, 22 Jan 2012 20:00:35 -0500

My grandmother bought my grandfather a refurbished, working M1 at an auction over the weekend. My grandfather showed it to me. He let me take it out, and was going to show me how to put it together.

But I was already putting it back together myself.

Papaw was handing me pieces and telling me where they went, and how to put them on. But I already knew where they went. I didn’t tell Papaw that, though. Otherwise he’d ask how. Or something.

Because honestly, I didn’t know how to put it together. I was acting as if on muscle memory, or someone else’s memory. Jones’s memory.

I felt this sense of familiarity when putting it together. An odd sort of fond nostalgia. It was the same sort of nostalgia I heard in Papaw’s voice as he told me it was the first gun he learned how to shoot in basic, and how he had to be able to take it apart and put it back together blindfolded.

I had to fight really hard not to tell him, “I know. Me too.” And not to verbally agree that it was probably the best rifle the military ever came up with, and be equally as disappointed when he had to use the M16.

Because that was Jones.

And Jones was so very happy right then.

On Jones and Jersey

Sun, 25 Dec 2011 17:38:37 -0500

A man walked into my store the other day with a tattoo of the state of New Jersey on his arm.

In the back of my head, I heard an unmistakable cackle and something along the lines of “What a douche bag.”

He doesn’t like Jersey. I think that’s the Brooklyn in him talking.

We came to the conclusion

Sat, 17 Dec 2011 12:20:00 -0500

last night, after seeing Game of Shadows that Frederick is Sherlock Holmes, and Max is John Watson. I think it was the whole exchange on marriage that did it.

They chided us for talking about them like they weren’t there. Or at least Max did. Fredrick just reveled in the fact he was Sherlock Holmes. We did it to ourselves.

Max also wanted to know why Germans are always the bad guys. We had to assure him that this time they weren’t really “bad”, they were just paid large sums of money. Though the question was sort of ironic, coming from him…

The Hotel Room

Fri, 16 Dec 2011 00:46:56 -0500

I have a recurring memory when channeling Max, sometimes. It’s rather vivid, and since it keeps replaying, even if he doesn’t necessarily want it to, I knew it had to be poignant.

The first part of this memory is at night. Light filters through the window from street lamps and the single bulb light in the bathroom, but for some reason the memory is always relatively monochrome. A small clock sits on the dresser. I can never make out the time, as it falls just in shadow, but he glances at it frequently. All I know, is that it’s very late, and the noise of it’s ticking is the loudest sound in the room. His brother, Frederick, is sleeping next to him on a simple, metal framed bed. Max is restless, and worried but at the same time filled with a great sense of relief.

Once, the memory continued to the morning. At some point, Max had eventually fallen asleep, but was woken up when Frederick stirred, and subsequently, fell off the bed.

It was earlier this morning that he finally revealed the significance of this memory.

Frederick had a problem with drugs, mostly heroin, or a variant of it. Earlier in the evening the memory took place, Max had come home after a trip to Berlin to find his brother in an alley way, dangerous levels of the drug coursing through him. Most likely an overdose. Max panicked, and against his better judgement, didn’t take him to a hospital. Instead, he checked them in to a place down the street and spent the better part of the night trying to flush the drugs out of Frederick’s system. At first, he wasn’t sure if his brother would make it through the night, but his condition slowly improved over the course of several hours.

So that guy was married.

Fri, 16 Dec 2011 00:05:19 -0500

Last night and this morning were relatively eventful. I found out a little more about Aquila.

When he first actually started speaking to me about his past, we asked him if he had a “Rosa”. Of course it was a question we’d asked. Two out of three had some sort of romantic attachment. He answer was “If you mean, ‘did I have a woman?’, then yes.” Cheeky bastard.

Well, her name was apparently Maria. And the two of them apparently got in lots of trouble. He settled down with her eventually (though from what I gather of him, settling down means spending more than three nights in the same bed, with the same person), and they were married. And had a son.

…Also, something happened in Venice that they’re a bit bitter on.

Oh, and his real name is Michele, apparently. My girlfriend said it was no wonder he went by a nickname. But I don’t know. I sort of like it.

Apparently, I've acquired a new one.

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 23:30:21 -0500

At least I have some fellow estrogen in this sea of testosterone.

Claire came to me by sort of accident… and I think she’ll be sticking around a while…

On What Ghosts Google Search For

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 18:53:00 -0500

Last night, Max talked with his brother. Frederick’s host and I let them talk to each other over the phone. Took them some getting used to, but Frederick apparently likes to try and abuse it.

At any rate, they apparently got on the subject of penguins. Max tells me it all started because he made an off hand comment about how his brother reminded him of a penguin.

Frederick’s host wakes up this morning to find her recent Google search to be “Gay Penguins”.

Max was amused.

Pages are up.

Mon, 05 Dec 2011 23:26:51 -0500

They’re rough. But it gives an idea or something.

Last night,

Mon, 05 Dec 2011 19:18:00 -0500

I came to find that Jones gives the best pep talks. I guess he kind of had to, being in the situations he found himself in during life. Had to boost morale among his troops.

I also found that in a time where I’m going to be detrimental to myself, he can step in and stop me. At least, now anyway. He’s never been able to do that before I recognized what he was. I’m pretty sure he was always the voice in the back that always prevented me from doing anything too drastic, though. But this time, he actually took over to the point where he actually prevented my hands from moving to do what they were going to do.

…I thank him for it. With him at least, I might actually be able to keep trudging over one of my biggest obstacles.

So if there's anything that the three have in common...

Fri, 02 Dec 2011 20:56:54 -0500

aside from sharing the same “residence”…

They’re all damn perverts.

So they are just in your head or do you feel their presence also?

Thu, 01 Dec 2011 23:07:33 -0500

Well, they’re in my head. But I can feel them there. It’s weird. I can tell when they “go outside”. Like, leave my body. Max did it once recently. I felt off. Like part of me was missing. They don’t do it often. I think they’re kinda content to laze around. The bums. But yeah, I can feel them, even when they leave, and now that I know what they are, I can feel when they “take over”.

Questions?

Thu, 01 Dec 2011 22:54:00 -0500

So, I’m willing to answer questions about them. And they’ve expressed the fact they’re willing to answer questions themselves. I can’t guarantee they’ll answer everything, or how cryptic or not their responses will be. And I’ll try to answer any of them to the best of my ability.

Just let me know who you’re asking when you send your ask, Max, Jones, Aquila, or myself. I’ll have pages up on them soon, so you know what I know about them. Or at least a little bit. And maybe figure out something to ask them based on that.

Due to the “sensitive” nature of this blog, as well as the nature of things in the lives of two of the three especially, anon has been disabled for now. I might turn it back on later. If you wish to remain anonymous, just say so in your ask, and I’ll make it a separate post without posting your username. Only I will know who you were.

How did I know?

Thu, 01 Dec 2011 22:42:00 -0500

Or how did I find out, rather.

It was sort of an accident. And it was only in the past few months. However, anyone who knows me personally might say it explains a few things. A few people already have.

Just so you all know, I’ve been struggling with what I thought were auditory and visual hallucinations since probably around middle school. They haven’t always been good, but they haven’t always been bad, either. But when I say it was a struggle, it was a struggle. I spent a good portion of my high school career in and out of the hospital. But that’s another story.

I’m a roleplayer, and a cosplayer. The former, I’ve been for years. I’m use to creating characters, and personalities and playing out their lives in my head, or developing theories on characters from existing series. It was only in the past couple years that I started having this really, REALLY strong connection to certain canon characters. It was something that I usually felt toward my own creations, but in a different way. Where to my own creations, I thought of them as my children that I loved so much, I connected with these other characters, these muses in a way that it felt like they were almost extensions of myself. It was weird. I’d never felt that way before. It was pretty much to the point where I, myself, felt personally offended if someone offended that character.

Those characters I cosplayed too. I’d like to give myself credit and just think I’m just that good of an actor. But It wasn’t acting. A lot of what people noticed was incredibly subconscious. When I donned the costume of those characters in question, my who demeanor changed. I walked differently. I talked differently. My idle expressions changed. Even though I’m loud as it is, in one I was considerably louder, and more talkative. The other I was stern, reserved, and intimidating. The third, I become far more flirtatious and charismatic. Of course, I would be in character when I wanted to, and out of character when I didn’t. I was still myself, but there were subtle changes in the way I presented my self even when I wasn’t “acting”.

Ironically, it was my mom who first pitched the notion of me being sensitive. She has a tendency to ask me if I still hear voices, and see things, etc. I always have. I’m honest with her. It was one of those times over the summer, that she said, “Do you think maybe you’re sensitive?” And that’s when I started thinking…

A friend of mine told me about regression states. And I’ll be honest when I say I’ve always had a fascination with spirits, and ghosts, and talking to them, and the paranormal and yadda yadda yadda. I decided to give it a try for shits and giggles. And well, hey, try and figure out if my mom was right.

Well, it was after my first regression that I figured out these three ghosts had apparently attached themselves to these muses as a way to talk to me. Or through me. I don’t know why they chose recently. But I know that once the first one tried it, the others followed. And once I started to develop the muse, more and more of the negative energies and voices I used to feel and hear started going away.

And now I know all three of them for who they really are. To an extent. I don’t know everything about them. Heck, one of them I don’t know his full name, and another I don’t even know his real name. But hey, they’re here. And they keep me company. And I consider them friends. I won’t lie, I’m kinda glad they’re around.

Also, I should mention, I’m female. And all three of them are male. I’m just as much for them to get used to.

So, what is this?

Thu, 01 Dec 2011 11:52:00 -0500

All I know right now, is there are three ghosts in my head. I talk to them. They talk to me, like my own thoughts. I see their memories when they show me, or when I concentrate. They’re just as human as the rest of us. They have emotions, moods, personality. But most of all, I’ve come to think of them as my friends.

Voices in my head, if you want to call them that. Hallucinations, maybe. And maybe I am a bit crazy. Believe me or not, it at least makes a good story.

I made this blog to document my discoveries about them, get to know them better. Also to help try and track my progress of becoming a stronger medium, and helping them grow stronger with me. (They want to protect me as much as I want to protect them) Also, to give them interaction with the outside world without having to be judged too terribly.

They’ll answer questions, if you want. I can answer questions too. And honestly, I’m up for any suggestions, tips, or how tos. This is all new to me, as well.